scale whore, moods and dreaded holidays

I have failed so often since my surgery to keep my blog updated with my day to day life and the struggles with my diet.  Here it is Wednesday and I'm blogging.........seems like a miracle.  I usually only get on to weigh-in.

Sunday evening something very interesting happened.  My husband and I were at a book study at our church.  There were only a few people there so it was nice and intimate.  Somehow a friend (not real close) and I got to talking about our mothers.  We talked about how we as mothers love our children but they wont love us the same and so forth.  I shared how I have a really hard time showing my mother love.  I do love her, she is an amazing woman but its just weird.  I dont know if its cause we live together or what.  It was amazing cause this friend and I really understood eachother.  I guess you had to be there.

So this weekend was ok but my eating was not great.  Damn you McDonalds for bringing McRib back!

So here I go again, playing make-up with my diet....trying to undue what I did for the weekend.  Will I ever learn?  Umm, I thought I had.....umm no.  I was up 2.5 pounds on Monday.  I lost 1.5 yesterday so as of this morning I only had one pound to lose to be back to my low which was 233.........50 pounds down!  Ugh, how aweful to put myself through this. 

Today I had new determination.  I challenged myself to not snack on junk, and you know there is plenty of candy around right now.  In fact, my 1st client today was throwing away some candy and I decided to take it and give it to my son (he didnt go trick-or-treating) so I bagged it and put it in the back of my car.  I was so proud of myself when I was able to give him the candy and announce that I had not eaten any.  YaY!

My mom made this casserole but I did not have any, which she understood.  It consisted of ground beef, potatoes, lots of cheese and mushroom soup.  I opted for a salad with a chicken patty chopped up on top.  For lunch I had a lean cuisine and breakfast some steel cut oatmeal.  Oh and I did have some celery sticks with about a tbsp of reduced fat peanut butter.

I am also going to concentrate on upping my water intake.  I know this will help.

Another thing, back to my mom...... Every morning I have been weighing myself cause I really need to know when I am doing good and when I am not.  This is how I rationalize being a scale whore.  But I do have to say that it often determines my moods and THAT I do not like.  Why is it that when my mom says Good Morning to me I just grunt?  Is it cause I just need to be left alone while I try and wake up or am I taking my grumpiness, due to scale, out on her?  I mentioned that on Sunday night.  Why do I always seem like I am in a bad mood?  Why do I take it out on her?  I dont want to be that kind of person.

It isnt nice when a mirror has been put to your face and you realize you dont like what you see.  This happened recently with a banded friend and I know I ruined our relationship.  I overstepped my bounderies.  This time it is me who has shined a mirror on myself.  I dont often like what I see.  And please understand I am not talking about my outer looks.  I have to tackle one aspect at a time and improve it.  It isnt easy but I have too.  I want to be a better person, a better friend, better wife, mom and daughter.

Ok, on to one last issue.  I am terrified of the holidays.  Food scares me already.  I better start praying now.  I will talk more about this in another post.......this one is long enough.