I just want to be a lady

Yesterday I went to the women's conference and it was great.  I met a nice girl from that church and we hit it off real well.  I could really use a friend so I am hoping this will turn into a good friendship.  She sat a few chairs down from me and we shared tissue and chatted.  She doesn't have a weight problem and I couldn't help but be very envious of how she could cross her legs.  Man oh man how I wish I could do that.  I have never been able to do that.  Well, except for several years ago but I would have to basically sit on one butt cheek, lean over and then kinda hold my knee........very sexy look.  haha .  Yeah, so that is one of my skinny goals.  I will have to make a post just about skinny goals, but later.

So I am excited.  This week the doctor has to call me, no doubt about it.  Then I will have to make an appointment to meet surgeon in San Diego, which is little less than 2 hour drive.  Nice drive though, I dont mind it.

I have also made a goal to get my big butt back to the gym.  Did I mention that I have a bubble butt??  yeah, I have always had a big butt................ Ok, back to thought.  I am making the goal to get to the gym 3 times this week.  I might just get on eliptical or walk but I dont know about the weights yet.  I am so out of shape.  aarrgghh!  I need courage to get back dear friends.  I am going to be so scared walking in there.  Sounds stupid but I know I am not the first to be intimidated.

So here is to an exciting new week.  I hope you all are doing well.  I love reading your blogs.  I think I am hooked on blogging.  Keep it up friends!

Tips

I'm sure you are all like me and like to get a good deal.  I love hitting the 99 cent stores and looking for a bargain.  There is one store in particular I really like that even carries produce and food.  Some of the best deals I have found from there is sugar free international coffees (you know the ones that are just under $4) and these little varmints.....

They carry other flavors like strawberry (for energy) and green tea.  So if you can check out your local $.99 cent only store and see if you can find some.  I know its only a dollar savings each but it sure does add up.  My husband and son both use them too cause we have cut out soda in our house about 95%.

Thanks for the advice on my last post and welcome welcome welcome to my new followers.  I love to follow you all too.  Have a fabulous weekend dear friends.

Should I start???

So I called my doctor's office yesterday and the nurse called me back a couple hours later.  She assured me that they would call me as soon as they know.  Irish Lassey and Amber, you both can imagine her telling me that with a sigh like "chill out woman".  I felt silly but I know I couldn't have been the first to call and want to know.  So I went to bed that night praying to God that they would call me today but no call.  Well, tomorrow is friday.  Boy wouldnt a call with an approval make my weekend so much better?  If I dont get a call it will be ok.  I have a busy weekend planned.  My son wants me to take him and a couple of his friends to the mall in the evening (great excuse for me to see a movie) and Saturday I am going to an event at a local church.  A speaker - Joanne Wallace and it is an 8-4 thing and of course church on sunday.

Something else I was contemplating and would like your feedback on.  If you have had the surgery already did you go on a diet or I should say, did you start your new eating habits before the surgery (besides the pre-op diet)?  I am just wondering if I should start working out again and start staying away from the bad foods, to get used to the idea.  I actually weighed myself this morning and I lost 3 pounds.  So I am 278 now, which is still a huge number.

I am actually dreading going back to the gym, not because I dont want to work out but because I have gained weight since I last went.  I had to put a hold on my account last Oct cause we were really broke and as of this month it is back to charging my checking account.  So yes, I am an idiot for not going yet this month but since Oct I have gained probably 20-30 pounds and I am soooo embarrassed.  The person I hate the most to see is the personal trained I actually worked with a year ago.  I feel like such a disappointment.  The gym I go to is a womans gym but they do have men trainers, which i think is fine.  I have a picture of what I looked like when I worked with him.....after 3 months I had only lost like 15 pounds but I know I gained muscle.  In this picture I was dressed and ready to hit the gym when my son said "Mom, you look skinny, let me take a picture"  I was happy that day.  I put on a top I have for at least 10 years and never worn cause I didnt have the right arms.  I didnt feel skinny cause I was still obese but man how I would like to look like that right now.  Here is the picture....

A part of me wants to wait to lose some weight before I go back to the gym but that just sounds absurd!  I hate caring what people think.  It is my downfall.

I took some pictures the other day with just a sports bra and underwear on and I will eventually post them but I just cant right now.  It is too painful for even me to see.

Thanks again for following me and again let me know if you think I should start some sort of diet.  I do have protein powder already.  Can you tell I am ready to go???

Pet Peeves

Had to go to Walmart earlier and I am on my way into the store......no, let me correct that, I wasn't even in the store yet and I had my underwear rolling down.  Ok, you might think this is great if I had lost some weight and they were getting too big for me but nooooo......... they are rolling down over my lower stomach pouch.  This has become  a regular thing and today I just left it there.  I didn't feel like reaching into my pants to pull them up and risk being seen so I left them.  La Di Da.......arrrrgggghhh!  I dont remember them doing this 6 months ago.  Oh well, life goes on.

I called my doctors office again to ask about approval.  Of course they took a message.  I just hope they call me back today.  I really dont want to seem desperate by calling over and over.  I am desperate but dont want them to know LOL.

I purchased some Muscle Milk Lite from Costco today.  There was s coupon for $6 off so I couldn't pass it up.  I put it in my closet.  Is that weird?  I mean I will need it eventually right?  :)

Hopefully I will get that call and I will let you all know tonight.

I just want to say thank you for following me.  I didn't know if anyone would but I am so glad you are.   It really is great to have people who know what you are going through.  Thank you so much and may God bless each one of you and your journey.

Promise me you wont change

My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride today.  I pray for patience so much in dealing with my mom and on waiting for Dr's office to call me back.  Like I mentioned before my mom has been very sick these last 6 to 7 months.  I have had to run her to the ER about 30 times with asthma, anxiety and other related issues. It has been exhausting and frustrating.  Oh, and two ambulance trips, when my mom thought she was having a heart attack.  My mom is a great person but living with her can be difficult.  I am never alone, I cant blast my music and clean (thank God for my Ipod), I guess I am being selfish.  She doesn't DO anything that is wrong.  I am the one with the problem.  I am not working so we are always here together.  Anyways, I just pray for patience and compassion all the time.  My husband and her get along fine so that isn't an issue but he has really started picking on her and her eating habits.  I am trying to get him to lay off.  Oh well.  So, what is it that is really bothering me??  I think my hormones might be going haywire.  Tonight I cried while watching Criminal Minds (an episode I already seen) and You tube videos on lap band success stories.
Earlier this evening when I was cooking my mom and I talked a little about me getting the surgery and she asked me to promise her I wouldn't change.  Of course I said I wouldn't but I mentioned how lots of women have a hard time seeing the weight loss for themselves.  What just hit me a little bit ago is kind of scary though.  I watched a video where the girl said she was finally going to be herself after so long.  I thought about this and what frightened me was I DONT KNOW who that skinny girl is inside of me.  How will I react to her?  How will she behave?  Will she ever recognize herself?  The furthest back I can think of me being close to her was in high school.  I was about 170-180.  I was never skinny!  I am almost 40, who will the 160 pound girl inside me be like?  Why am I freaking out now?
Just within the last month or so I have really noticed the weight and my strength; I have a wonderful jacuzzi bath and it is getting hard to lift myself up........crazy!  I have also noticed I cant reach behind me as good.  I have to sit on bed to put sock and shoes on!  I hate this.  I hate myself right now.
I have been dealing with changing myself inside for a while now.  I realized I didn't like certain things and boy is it tough.  I think in dealing with the inside I have let my outside go.
Today I called my doctor's office.  It was 10 days since appt.. and nurse told me to call and see if the insurance approved the surgery.  Well, they didn't get back to me.  I was hoping they would but I know it is still early.  I didn't wait "10 business" days which is maybe what she meant.  Isn't the waiting game awful?  When we decide to change our life we want to start NOW.  Ok, I might have said that before, haha.
Ok, do I have anymore to vent??? Hmm........guess that is it for now.  Thanks for listening.
Tanya

Random thoughts and pics

Yesterday I went to Walmart and Costco and I felt pretty good.  I was dressed cute and had my hair and makeup done.  It isnt often when I go through much effort to go to town but I did.  Anyways, when I feel like I look cute I tend to watch for looks from people.  Most of us girls like to get a look here and there, right?  Well, I dont know why but I burst my own bubble.  Instead of walking with my head held high and feeling confident I thought about my body and felt terrible.  Thankfully I was already on my way out of last store, but what gets me is I can feel great about myself, I know I am pretty, I know I can be sexy but then I remember that my body DOES NOT REFLECT what I feel like in my head.  I hate that!  I dont feel morbidly obese, I dont feel unattractive but that is what my body is saying.

I painted and cleaned my closet out last week and found ONE pair of jeans I fit in right now.  I found them at a thrift store for $1......score....... but the sad fact is they are a size 24!  Believe it or not, I have about 25-30 pairs of pants that I dont fit in.  So when I finally start loosing it will be great to have all these pants.  They range from 18 to 22.  I do have a skirt that is a 16, wont that be a kick to wear.  I also have some shoes that are a bit too snug to wear right now.......oh and heels. I imagine they will be easier to wear without 280 pounds on them.

I'm tempted to call my insurance on tuesday and see if they approved me yet.  I know it will have only been one week but I am curious and anxious.  Isn't it weird how when we are ready to make a change in our lives we want it to happen right then and there...........Hey I think that was close to a line in When harry met sally.  anyways, I know some people have to wait months and months to get things going and who knows I might have too also but I hope not.  I will be turning 39 in July....OH CRAP, did you hear that! No No, that cant be right.  Oh my, yes it is true.  I certainly dont feel like I'm almost 40, well, except for the aches and pains.  Having this lap band will mean that I will turn 40 with a new attitude and healthier than ever.  Bring it on!

Here are a couple of pics I took so you have a better idea what I look like right now.

Here are a couple pics of my wonderful husband and my son

 Halloween 2009

My son is really into Army gear.  My brother was in the Army and he soooo looked up to him.

Thanks so much for being a part of my journey.

Tanya

PCP is starting paperwork!

So yesterday was my appointment and I was ready for it.  I had my Lap Band brochure, a list of diet books I have read, 3 hypnosis, Nutrisystem, Alli, phentermine and I even quit diet soda.  This was an impressive list.  I was ready to plead my case to my doctor.  She is actually the Physician Assistant but she takes care of me.  The primary doctor is an arrogant man with no bedside manner whatsoever.  I explained that I had tried all those things to lose weight and nothing worked in the long run.  I do believe that they all would work if I didnt have an addiction to food problem.  Of course we all know that we should be eating properly, smaller portions and excercising..........duh.......but for those of us that have a serious addition to food it isnt so easy to just put down the fork or get out and move.  I told my doctor that I want to do so much but my body is zapped of energy.  She perscribed me a new anti-depressant but I really dont need that.  I am under stress but not so much depressed.....well, except when I look at myself in the mirror naked.  Anyways, she said the the Dr (primary) pushed for the Lap Band; she wasnt as gunho for it but she listened to me.  I told her that I have researched the procedure and even seen the surgery online on You tube.  She said ok.  So the nurse took my information (I had a list of drs from the letter I got) and she said within 10-18 days the insurance will approve it and then I will get referred to the surgeon for a consultation.
When I called my insurance a couple weeks ago I asked it there was a waiting period like 3 or 6 months before a surgery he said it didnt appear so.......so if I am lucky things will move along rather quickly.
I am beyond excited.  I seriously need to get myself into a healthier state.  My mom is in the hospital and I am going to end up like that if I dont do something now.  Scary thing is, I have been having lots of headaches lately and when I was at the docs office my blood pressure was high.  They had me lay down and it finally went down.  Well, this morning I woke up with the headache and I checked my bp.  It was 171/101.  Not good.  I checked it a few times and it was high.  I took one of my moms pills and cut it in half.  In the afternoon I was feeling bad again and it was high again, this time I took a whole one.  I dont usually like to take medicine that wasnt perscribed to me but i was desperate.  I feel better.
So, the process has begun............Hallelujah!..............Did I mention that I do believe God has answered my prayers.  I prayed so much for God to help me with my weight problem.........and now this is going on.  God is Great!

It's a brand new week, full of excitement and terror! 1-10-11

So tomorrow is my long awaited appointment with my PCP.  She is a nice woman, my age and has a son my age.  She has briefly discussed diet with me.  The funny thing is, I am a smart person.  I know what is unhealthy and what is.  I have read tons of books and have tons of healthy cooking cookbooks.  So why am I morbidly obese??  Hmmm...... good question.  I have always hated making excuses for myself.  I know I overeat and I overeat the wrong foods.  That is it!  So why??

When I was growing up there was never a shortage of food or sweets in the house.  My mom has a tendency (and still does) to get depressed when there isn't an abundance of food or snacks around.  She blames it on her upbringing.  She grew up in Germany very poor with a dozen brothers and sisters living in a very small apartment sharing the same room.  She was abused and by 17 met my dad, an american soldier, wed and came to America pregnant with me.  She is an amazing woman.  She learned english, worked very hard for 36 years as a waitress and is now disabled living with me.  She is clinically obese and has several ailments.  She has high blood pressure, diabetes, asthma, anxiety and fibromyalgia.  My mother is a very caring woman and stubborn as a rock.  But her stubbornness is mostly about things like arguing to do the dishes or clean up.  She currently has pneumonia and last week I took her to hospital 2 times.  This last 6 months she has been to ER about 30 times.  It was either for severe anxiety, which she thought were heart attacks, or asthma.  Its been a very difficult time.

The thing that scares me is that in the last few months I have gained more weight and I have had such low energy and I also have been having chest pains.  These arent completely new to me.  A little less than 2 years ago the restaurant I was manager of closed and I had terrible chest pains that whole week we were closing.  But I know its just anxiety so I am dealing with it.

Starting about a month or so ago I started praying to God for help with my weight.  I just felt like I couldn't do it alone.  I had in the past done ok off and on.........you know, the yo-yo diet thing.  A few weeks ago my husband and I started talking and Lap Band came up....I dont even know who mentioned it or how it even came up in our conversation.  I do believe with all my heart that God has lead me to make this decision.

I havent posted my weight because I am really ashamed.  I used to stay around 240-250 but I have ballooned to 281.  The fact that I am closer to 300 than 200 is disappointing.  I weighed this much when I game birth to my son.  I havent even told my family how much I weigh.  I used to weigh less than my mom but not anymore.  She is around 250.  Even more crazy is I probably weigh as much as my hubby now and he is a big guy.

Ok, before I turn this into a book I will stop.  Here are a few pics i have on my computer.  I will get some better before pics and post soon.  Thanks for listening.
Tanya

I'm a blogger!.........1st post 1/6/11

AAANNNDDD she's off!  So here I am a blogger, never thought I would do this but in the last few days I have been reading some blogs and found them to be really cool and insightful.
I have yet to be banded.  I am just starting the whole process.  I have an appointment with my Primary Doctor next tuesday.  I am a little nervous about discussing this idea with her but I have learned so much about the Lap Band Surgery that I feel certain she has to at least consider it.  I have seen You Tube videos of the surgery, I can accurately explain the whole procedure and I have learned from others bandsters what to expect.
I dont know if anyone will ever see this blog but if not that's ok.  This is a great way for me to journal my experience and hopefully meet others like me.