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Monday, January 10, 2011

It's a brand new week, full of excitement and terror! 1-10-11

So tomorrow is my long awaited appointment with my PCP.  She is a nice woman, my age and has a son my age.  She has briefly discussed diet with me.  The funny thing is, I am a smart person.  I know what is unhealthy and what is.  I have read tons of books and have tons of healthy cooking cookbooks.  So why am I morbidly obese??  Hmmm...... good question.  I have always hated making excuses for myself.  I know I overeat and I overeat the wrong foods.  That is it!  So why??

When I was growing up there was never a shortage of food or sweets in the house.  My mom has a tendency (and still does) to get depressed when there isn't an abundance of food or snacks around.  She blames it on her upbringing.  She grew up in Germany very poor with a dozen brothers and sisters living in a very small apartment sharing the same room.  She was abused and by 17 met my dad, an american soldier, wed and came to America pregnant with me.  She is an amazing woman.  She learned english, worked very hard for 36 years as a waitress and is now disabled living with me.  She is clinically obese and has several ailments.  She has high blood pressure, diabetes, asthma, anxiety and fibromyalgia.  My mother is a very caring woman and stubborn as a rock.  But her stubbornness is mostly about things like arguing to do the dishes or clean up.  She currently has pneumonia and last week I took her to hospital 2 times.  This last 6 months she has been to ER about 30 times.  It was either for severe anxiety, which she thought were heart attacks, or asthma.  Its been a very difficult time.

The thing that scares me is that in the last few months I have gained more weight and I have had such low energy and I also have been having chest pains.  These arent completely new to me.  A little less than 2 years ago the restaurant I was manager of closed and I had terrible chest pains that whole week we were closing.  But I know its just anxiety so I am dealing with it.

Starting about a month or so ago I started praying to God for help with my weight.  I just felt like I couldn't do it alone.  I had in the past done ok off and know, the yo-yo diet thing.  A few weeks ago my husband and I started talking and Lap Band came up....I dont even know who mentioned it or how it even came up in our conversation.  I do believe with all my heart that God has lead me to make this decision.

I havent posted my weight because I am really ashamed.  I used to stay around 240-250 but I have ballooned to 281.  The fact that I am closer to 300 than 200 is disappointing.  I weighed this much when I game birth to my son.  I havent even told my family how much I weigh.  I used to weigh less than my mom but not anymore.  She is around 250.  Even more crazy is I probably weigh as much as my hubby now and he is a big guy.

Ok, before I turn this into a book I will stop.  Here are a few pics i have on my computer.  I will get some better before pics and post soon.  Thanks for listening.

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