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Friday, January 21, 2011

Promise me you wont change

My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride today.  I pray for patience so much in dealing with my mom and on waiting for Dr's office to call me back.  Like I mentioned before my mom has been very sick these last 6 to 7 months.  I have had to run her to the ER about 30 times with asthma, anxiety and other related issues. It has been exhausting and frustrating.  Oh, and two ambulance trips, when my mom thought she was having a heart attack.  My mom is a great person but living with her can be difficult.  I am never alone, I cant blast my music and clean (thank God for my Ipod), I guess I am being selfish.  She doesn't DO anything that is wrong.  I am the one with the problem.  I am not working so we are always here together.  Anyways, I just pray for patience and compassion all the time.  My husband and her get along fine so that isn't an issue but he has really started picking on her and her eating habits.  I am trying to get him to lay off.  Oh well.  So, what is it that is really bothering me??  I think my hormones might be going haywire.  Tonight I cried while watching Criminal Minds (an episode I already seen) and You tube videos on lap band success stories.
Earlier this evening when I was cooking my mom and I talked a little about me getting the surgery and she asked me to promise her I wouldn't change.  Of course I said I wouldn't but I mentioned how lots of women have a hard time seeing the weight loss for themselves.  What just hit me a little bit ago is kind of scary though.  I watched a video where the girl said she was finally going to be herself after so long.  I thought about this and what frightened me was I DONT KNOW who that skinny girl is inside of me.  How will I react to her?  How will she behave?  Will she ever recognize herself?  The furthest back I can think of me being close to her was in high school.  I was about 170-180.  I was never skinny!  I am almost 40, who will the 160 pound girl inside me be like?  Why am I freaking out now?
Just within the last month or so I have really noticed the weight and my strength; I have a wonderful jacuzzi bath and it is getting hard to lift myself up........crazy!  I have also noticed I cant reach behind me as good.  I have to sit on bed to put sock and shoes on!  I hate this.  I hate myself right now.
I have been dealing with changing myself inside for a while now.  I realized I didn't like certain things and boy is it tough.  I think in dealing with the inside I have let my outside go.
Today I called my doctor's office.  It was 10 days since appt.. and nurse told me to call and see if the insurance approved the surgery.  Well, they didn't get back to me.  I was hoping they would but I know it is still early.  I didn't wait "10 business" days which is maybe what she meant.  Isn't the waiting game awful?  When we decide to change our life we want to start NOW.  Ok, I might have said that before, haha.
Ok, do I have anymore to vent??? Hmm........guess that is it for now.  Thanks for listening.


  1. I can't imagine how hard it is to wait for something you want and need so badly. We don't have an insurance here in it's self-pay or nothing. Once I made my mind up to spend the money, I wanted the surgery instantly!

  2. I had these same fears. What I HOPE is that with lap band, the weiht will come off slow enough that you will get used to your body changing and your personality will have time to adjust too.

    I am not a fan of hard work, but with the lap band, you have to work harder to get the weight off than with other forms of bariatric surgery. So, also, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and pride and self-esteem you may not have felt with the other surgeries that will keep you more humble.

    I struggle with these fears too. I also struggle with being a Debbie Downer and thinking how my personalilty may never change because the band may not work, lol. Ugh. Its one of those days I guess :(