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Saturday, February 5, 2011

I don't think I can take it anymore

I am completely frustrated and disappointed with myself.  I am waiting for something to happen and I fear it may never happen.  What Tanya what???  I haven't been banded yet and so I haven't been under any rules or restrictions.  I'm not even close to a pre-op diet.  Heck, I don't even have my seminar till the 23rd of this month.  I called to check on my approval and the Medical Group said call back Monday cause they just got the info on the 26th, which is pissing me off cause I had my PCP appt. on the 11th and they said 10-18 days for approval.  Yeah right.  I went ahead and registered for seminar when I found out the surgeon my insurance will use. 

So why am I so frustrated.  I am waiting for the band to start my life; why am I doing that?  I don't know!  AAAARRRGGHH! 

 I have been eating crap, well tasty crap and making my body worse and worse.  Last night as I lay in bed and prayed and cried to God for help I decided that I need to stop.  I need to do something now.

One of the things that has gotten me down was realizing that I might very well have to do a 6 month doctor supervised diet.  Do I know this for sure??  No, but I have a bad feeling that I will have too.  This absolutely depresses me.  I know you all have been through the waiting game and will say it will go by fast.  I prayed that I may have patience.  "Please God give me patience.......hurry"  lol  I fear God is trying to teach me a lesson.  I hope I am totally wrong and in a month or so will be feeing stupid for venting like this.  I am venting here cause I think my husband might get tired of me talking to him about getting banded.  It really is my whole focus in life right now and I guess that is one mistake.

So, what I have decided to do is start my new life, my new eating life. (I don't want to say diet)    

My first order of business is to eliminate my favorite candy bar.  My mom buys them for me and I buy them for me..........I have to say goodbye and technically I did yesterday when I ate TWO! 

I will have to find a sensible way to kill my sweet tooth.  Any suggestions would be welcome.  I'm thinking the 100 calorie packs.

I have avoided putting a ticker on my blog cause I wasn't sure what my starting weight will be.  I guess that was my way of letting myself keep eating like I have.  Well, if I keep this up I will be 300 pounds in no time.  So I will work on getting one up (not sure how yet) but I want to announce that I am starting my new life at 283.  I am absolutely ashamed of myself and cannot let myself get any worse.  I am having chest pains as I write this.  I have to treat my body better.  Friends, I know I have not been banded and I dont have that to offer to you but I do need help.  I do not have any close friends that I can lean on.  I find inspiration from your blogs and dream of blogging my post band info.

So, this week my goal will be to not eat any junk and no drive thru.  I will keep a protein bar in my purse so I wont have an excuse to do that.  Just those two things are huge steps for me.

Oh, I do have some good to report.  My goal last week was to get to gym 3 times and I did do that.  I will keep that as an additional goal for this week.

Thank you so much for reading (if you are still doing so).  I really needed to vent and get my goals out there.  I hope you all have a fabulous weekend.


  1. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and I know it can be hell waiting for the big day to finally get here. I only had to wait about 2 months for my surgery and let me tell you - it was HARD! I won't sugarcoat it and say it wasn't too bad, though I guess I should.

    You've got to just think about something else, if you can. That's why I started my blog so I could have an outlet for talking about my upcoming surgery and all my fears without boring everyone around me to tears. It really helps. So every time you're feeling frustrated just put it on here and we'll be here. Cause we alllll know how you feel. :)

  2. Ronnie's right. We all understand how you feel so you can write about anything and we will be right here for you. It's good you started this blog because we have all been through what you are going through right now.
    Waiting is really the suckiest part about this surgery. In fact, I told my husband yesterday that I think it's a miracle that I had surgery because I always thought that something would go wrong along the way. Everything went smoothly really and I don't what all the anxiety was about.
    Just one piece of advice...try to lose as much weight as you can before the surgery. Start getting into habits you will need after surgery. Exercise is a great start but eating healthier will give you such an advantage. I get my meal plans at They have a weight watchers and low-fat plan. That helped me so much with losing pre-surgery lbs.

  3. I'm new to your blog and sort of in your shoes now, and completely understand... Waiting surely is frustrating!!

    Great blog! I'm anxious to read more!

  4. Ronnie, Amber and Lisa.......thank you. I hate to think I will bore anyone but I guess if your bored you wont read huh. I thank you so much for your advice. Ronnie, you are right, it really does help to blog (so I wont bore my hubby). Amber, thanks, I will definately look into the I am always looking for healthy ideas. I love your blogs ladies. And Lisa, welcome to my crazy life lol.

  5. Hi Tanya!
    I must agree with the other girls! Just focus on a few things at a time! What if you start eating healthy, then focus on working out! Take baby steps. I find if I want something sweet, I have a sugar free pudding cup! Or cold and sweet, sugar free fudge pops. I have a sweet tooth! Always did. But I substitute! Or sometimes just a sugar free hot chocolate does the trick. Don't push yourself to much too soon! I enjoy reading your blog! We are all at different stages and your just begining. We can see your progress from before and after! :)

    *Amber thanks for the site. I am gonna check that out!

  6. Hi Tanya,
    I am in about the same spot you are right now. But here where I live, you go to the seminar 1st then the Dr calls you after he has contacted your insurance. He says that he has faster response then if we were to do it on our own. At the seminar they give you all the paperwork to fill out and get back to him as soon as possible. That was on thursday night, friday morning I had already contacted my family dr to release my records. I HATE Waiting :) So know that someone is walking beside you in this journey. I havent started a blog yet, I want to wait tell I have more to go on.
    I think your Doing GREAT with starting the excerise, I keep putting mine off, had knee surgery a few months ago so its no at 100% yet.
    look forward to following your journey

  7. I just have to say I think you are awesome. I can see how much you want this, and I know you will get there. I didn't play the insurance game becasue, well, my insurance specifically excludes WLS. But I can imagine it would really suck.

    I totally agree with Amber though, I had three months from when I scheduled my surgery till I went to Mexico, and I think that really helped me learn about myself and my relationship with food. I think you will surprise yourself at how well you do after surgery if you start changing your habits now.

    Keep up the positive attitude and prayers. Those will get you through anything that is thrown at you. And remember - we are always here if you need to vent!!